Journey to the Present Part 2

After graduation, I was going to find an LA full-time secular job so I can part-time serve my church. I love my church and would die for her. If I had this LA full-time secular job, I'd save funds to eventually attend seminary. I wanted (still want) a Masters in Biblical Studies/Theology, etc.

That was the plan...until God interrupted it through *Christina and *Sarah. If God shifts my direction, I follow the direction...even if I have no idea where it takes me. The Lord began softening my prideful, hardened heart.

I knew support raising was what God wanted me for me. Even if I held doubts, uncertainties or lack of true direction, I obeyed God. I was so excited about this new life step. I told my sister, friends, and church family what I was doing. They were super excited for me. They saw this step as a perfect fit.

I also knew my mother and father would KILL me when they knew. After I told them, yeah they did kill me...I wasn't the successful trophy daughter they could flash around anymore. Instead of the rich, successful business woman they wanted, they had a starving missionary daughter filled with the richness of Christ.

They spent three months attempting to talk me out of it. They recruited full-time missionary friends to join their mission. That strategy backfired...in a good way! After one phone call, their missionary friends saw my obedience to God. Instead of talking me out of full-time ministry, they partnered with me through ministering to my parents' hearts.

Most people desire for their parent's approval. Honestly, I desired acceptance from my mother and father. Yet God's opinion triumphs over anyone else's. I didn't give in to their doubts and discouragement. God's Word anchored my heart as the storms roared against me.

I took 7 hours to fill out the job application, drove to Tustin for the job interview, then was interviewed for 2 hours. Next week I got a call back from my interviewer.

He left a voicemail :

Hello Taylor, this is _______ from _________. We loved hearing your heart and we loved getting to know you. We think you are following God, but we aren't hiring you. Good luck with life.

WAT?!

Journey to the Present Part 1

It was late October 2015. I sat in front of Ackerman Union, enjoying the Southern California sun. Around this time, life still existed in the souls of UCLA students, as it was only Week 2 or 3. The weight of academic burdens wasn't paralyzing...yet. Students, such as myself, still healthily inhaled through our lungs...but yet to come were the gasps for air as we drowned in academic sorrows.

As I inhaled healthy breaths of air, two sweet girls approached me. 

"Hello," greeted the tall blonde one, "my name is *Christina and this is *Sarah. We are on the UCLA campus today, and we were wondering what you thought about God."

These girls aren't the first to evangelize to me. I don't know what is it with me and campus evangelists...they LOVE popping my pseudo-antisocial bubble and sharing the gospel with me. Last year, two sets of girls were sent by the same program to preach the gospel. Both sets approached me on different days, but at the same time and place.

Why is this the case? These are my theories: 1) I look like I need the gospel. 2) I look like an easy target. 3) Maybe I look too nice to reject them.

"Oh my goodness!!" I squealed. "Y'all are Christian?! Me too! I support you. This is awesome! We need more people like you two!"

I accepted and understood them. Huge breaths of air exited their lungs. Their shoulders lowered as their posture relaxed. 

They were from a high school ministry organization. Normally, their ministry reached out to high school and middle school campuses near Biola University. Today, they randomly decided to reach out to UCLA students such as myself. 

The tall blonde one, Christina, gave me her number, her email, and her organization's website. Apparently they were hiring and she thought I'd be a good fit. She wanted me to check them out and tell her what I thought.

I did. It was the most perfect job description in the world. I wanted to apply so badly...until I read the salary.

"Support-Raised"

I looked the term up. Basically support-raising is raising your own funds. You'd share your ministry vision with men and women, in hopes that they'll send you to your mission field through prayer and/or finances. 

"No way...there's no way I will do this...are you kidding me?!"

I texted Christina telling her, "Hey this sounds so fun, but there's no way I will support-raise."

She immediately scheduled a phone appointment to talk to me. In our phone appointment, I vented my doubts and frustrations. Christina calmly validated my thoughts, as they've also been her thoughts. Somehow in our phone conversation, God used her to soften my heart. 

In the end of our conversation, Christina asked, "What do you think God is saying to you now?"

This:

Luke 10:1-12 ESV 

After this the Lord appointed seventy-two others and sent them on ahead of him, two by two, into every town and place where he himself was about to go. And he said to them, “The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few. Therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest. Go your way; behold, I am sending you out as lambs in the midst of wolves. Carry no moneybag, no knapsack, no sandals, and greet no one on the road. Whatever house you enter, first say, ‘Peace be to this house!’ And if a son of peace is there, your peace will rest upon him. But if not, it will return to you. And remain in the same house, eating and drinking what they provide, for the laborer deserves his wages. Do not go from house to house. Whenever you enter a town and they receive you, eat what is set before you. Heal the sick in it and say to them, ‘The kingdom of God has come near to you.’ But whenever you enter a town and they do not receive you, go into its streets and say, ‘Even the dust of your town that clings to our feet we wipe off against you. Nevertheless know this, that the kingdom of God has come near.’ I tell you, it will be more bearable on that day for Sodom than for that town.

emphasis added.

Thus began my support-raising journey.




*names changed for privacy purposes

Sand and Soil

Dear God,

I am strongly affected by trials. When I was sick a few weeks ago, all my goals and driven nature blew out of orbit. I helplessly laid victimized on my bed. The world seems to end when I get sick. These self-made roots of goodness cannot stand amidst the storms.

A layer of sand covers my heart. As I cultivate fruit trees in my heart, it spreads its roots in the sand. But when unexpected hurricanes and storms howl, the sand is not strong enough to hold down the work I've done. The roots blow out of the sand and away from my heart...so much for that hard work...

Yet other fruit trees survive the storm. These trees grow their roots through the sand and into deep rich soil. You are that rich soil. Your richness provides a solid foundation for these trees to grow on. The storms may shake these fruit trees, but they survive. Only through you may these roots penetrate from the sand and into the soil.

I've been working so hard to grow good fruit. In my pride I didn't want to hand over my hard work to you. Yet self-cultivated fruit cannot survive the storms. I thought I can grow strong fruit trees with my own strength, but clearly that is not the case...

Lord, I give you all of my fruit trees. No matter how hard I try, I cannot build them as strong as you can. Plant these trees deep into my heart. I realize that fruit of the flesh is not biblical...only the fruit of the Spirit.

As for the weeds, blow them away in the storms. Sometimes, I unintentionally feed poisonous weeds until they grow into trees. They rest firmly on deep layers of sand. Yet in your mighty storms, you can uproot these evil trees and cast them into the fiery pits of hell.

I thank you for storms. Without storms I cannot see how great your goodness is to me. I cannot marvel at the strength of your solid foundation if you never blew away the outward sandy layer. I cannot be humbled at how weak I am in comparison to your mighty strength. I cannot desire turning the sand into soil. You in your richness pour your goodness and love into my malnourished, sandy self. Although I'll never be as rich as you, I can rest in the fact that you'll always be pouring yourself into me.  I am strong only because you give me strength.

In Your Name I Pray,
Amen.

My New Youtube Channel

Watch my Youtube videos and subscribe!

God Be With Me

I think I need to post here more regularly. God has been more than amazing to me, blessing me with friends, family, and purpose. Yet blessings come with more confusion. Things seem foggy, but I know that God will be with me as I walk through the unknown.

Flower Throwback

 I thought I'd post this throwback picture. This was taken at France in Claude Monet's garden.

It is no secret that I absolutely love flowers. In fact, why would anyone keep such love a secret? The love for flowers should spread all around the world!

Flowers remind me of their Creator: God. If God created this beautiful flower, he must be absolutely breathtaking to look at. I mean...he is...you die when you look at him...like, he takes your breath away to the point that you have no more breath at all...

Letter to my Biological Brother

Dear Daron,

At my UCLA Christian fellowship, we have this quarter-long event called Brother’s Appreciation. It switches off every year (brothers or sisters), but this year it happened to be brothers. Although it’s really easy to appreciate these brotherly friends, it’s hard for me to appreciate my biological brother. It’s not that I do not love you or do not care for you, because I love and care for you very much. But due to our health conditions, it’s best for both of us to have very minimal contact.

                                                                                                           

That being said, I will only communicate with you by writing letters or by talking through Justin. As of right now, hearing your voice is not good for me because I have enough of a workload to stress about. Not that you’re more important than my workload, it’s just that I do not have enough room on my plate to add you to my stress. Your health and mental condition is and was never my problem, yet it seems to always try to find a spot on my plate. Hearing your voice will only get me more emotionally invested into something that really is not my problem, but your own.

I am responsible for my own problems, just as you are responsible for your own problems. At that note, let’s take responsibility of our own hearts and dive right into how messed up we are. And yeah, I said we. Because according to God’s standards we have equally ugly hearts. But the difference between you and me is that I am not afraid to dive into my ugliness.

But I completely understand why you may be afraid to look into your own heart. I know that you caused a lot of pain on other people, including myself. Even if these people never forgive you, you have to acknowledge that you caused that pain. No, “people did [not] freak out for no reason” or no, “people were [not] overeacting”. You caused a lot of pain that you are trying to brush over as if it’s no big deal. But here’s the thing: so have I. Again, our hearts are equally ugly in the sight of God. But it’s up to us to see that and acknowledge that.

Truth be told, no one really wants to acknowledge the pain they caused. They feel horrible and loathe themselves. They feel insignificant, disgusting, and cannot handle the guilt that they carry. It is too heavy of a burden. Often times, these people get so tired of carrying their own guilt that they either numb the pain with drugs or commit suicide.

But believe it or not, that pain or guilt is intended to serve a great purpose. You need to see how horrifying, despicable, horrendous, and appalling you are in order for you to see how much Jesus loves you. There’s a book in the bible (Hosea) where God commanded the prophet to marry a prostitute. The prostitute bore him three kids (some of which may not be his legitimate children), and left him to continue prostitution. God then commanded the prophet to look for his wife. Imagine a famous pastor walking through the red light district for his wife. That’s extremely humiliating. Hosea finds her, but not as a prostitute. She degraded herself so much that no one wants her services anymore. She was auctioned off as a slave. Hosea paid the price and bought her back because he loves her.

That scandalous story was meant to demonstrate God’s unconditional love for us. If your wife cheated on you with several men, left you to continue prostitution, and forced you to raise three kids on your own, would you still love her? I know I wouldn’t. I’d be happy to know she was being sold off as a slave because she got what she deserved. But Hosea searched for her, humiliating himself for the sake of his wife. He emptied his pockets and bought her back, even though she was already his wife to begin with. He paid the price to give her an identity that she already had: his beloved.

You and I are that prostitute. We run away from God and whore ourselves to worldly pleasures. He knows that we’re train-wrecks and have nothing lovable about us. All he wants us to do is come back home and be loved by him. He does not mind humiliating himself and paying the price for you. The price was already paid after Jesus died on the cross. Daron, come home and be loved by our Heavenly Father.

Unlike your mother and father, you do not have to scream, shout, lie, cry, or cuss to make Jesus hear you. You acted out because you had to protect yourself in the only way you knew. But you do not have to protect yourself against God. In fact the more you protect yourself or act out, the harder it is for you to allow Jesus into your heart. He loves that disgusting heart of yours more than you can ever love yourself. You do not have to be defensive to Jesus. He hears everything and listens to every word that you say. He sees your whimpering, weak body and loves it so much. He desires covering and gathering you together as a hen gathers her chicks (Matthew 23:27).

During this recovery time, I urge you to dive into your heart with Jesus. Yes it’s scary and overbearing, and I know you hold a lot of guilt. Unlike your earthly mother and father, who add onto that guilt, Jesus took your guilt and died on the cross for your freedom. He doesn’t want you to live with that burden you built for yourself; he’ll die so you will never be enslaved again. You do not need approval from others (mom, dad, your old friends, myself) in order to be forgiven for the things you’ve done. You only need Jesus to remove that burden away from you. Only Jesus’ forgiveness can set you free from your guilt. Can you do that? Can you give him all your s*** for the sake of your freedom? Do you want to be free? The choice is yours.

Jesus died to stop you from dying. Around December, I was convinced that I will get a call within three months from someone confirming your death. Your decisions, behavior, and your ignorance of all of it were leading to an eventual death. So let’s be clear about something. Jesus never died to allow you to keep dying. This implies that you shouldn’t give him your crap, run from him, and then continue building another s*** monument. If you did, then Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross will be a complete waste. He died so you do not have to die.

Therefore, live as if you’re alive. Go on life and sin no more. Have a relationship with the Father you always had, but always ignored.

And by the way, I forgive you as Jesus has forgiven me. But you must respect my boundaries. I will send you letters whenever I can. It can be once a month, once a quarter, etc.

Sincerely, 

ME