Dear Daron,
At my UCLA Christian fellowship, we have this quarter-long
event called Brother’s Appreciation. It switches off every year (brothers or
sisters), but this year it happened to be brothers. Although it’s really easy
to appreciate these brotherly friends, it’s hard for me to appreciate my
biological brother. It’s not that I do not love you or do not care for you,
because I love and care for you very much. But due to our health conditions,
it’s best for both of us to have very minimal contact.
That being said, I will only
communicate with you by writing letters or by talking through Justin. As of
right now, hearing your voice is not good for me because I have enough of a
workload to stress about. Not that you’re more important than my workload, it’s
just that I do not have enough room on my plate to add you to my stress. Your
health and mental condition is and was never my problem, yet it seems to always
try to find a spot on my plate. Hearing your voice will only get me more emotionally
invested into something that really is not my problem, but your own.
I am responsible for my own
problems, just as you are responsible for your own problems. At that note,
let’s take responsibility of our own hearts and dive right into how messed up
we are. And yeah, I said we. Because
according to God’s standards we have equally ugly hearts. But the difference
between you and me is that I am not afraid to dive into my ugliness.
But I completely understand why
you may be afraid to look into your own heart. I know that you caused a lot of
pain on other people, including myself. Even if these people never forgive you,
you have to acknowledge that you caused that pain. No, “people did [not] freak
out for no reason” or no, “people were [not] overeacting”. You caused a lot of
pain that you are trying to brush over as if it’s no big deal. But here’s the
thing: so have I. Again, our hearts are equally ugly in the sight of God. But
it’s up to us to see that and acknowledge that.
Truth be told, no one really wants
to acknowledge the pain they caused. They feel horrible and loathe themselves.
They feel insignificant, disgusting, and cannot handle the guilt that they
carry. It is too heavy of a burden. Often times, these people get so tired of
carrying their own guilt that they either numb the pain with drugs or commit
suicide.
But believe it or not, that pain
or guilt is intended to serve a great purpose. You need to see how horrifying,
despicable, horrendous, and appalling you are in order for you to see how much
Jesus loves you. There’s a book in the bible (Hosea) where God commanded the
prophet to marry a prostitute. The prostitute bore him three kids (some of
which may not be his legitimate children), and left him to continue prostitution.
God then commanded the prophet to look for his wife. Imagine a famous pastor
walking through the red light district for his wife. That’s extremely
humiliating. Hosea finds her, but not as a prostitute. She degraded herself so
much that no one wants her services anymore. She was auctioned off as a slave.
Hosea paid the price and bought her back because he loves her.
That scandalous story was meant to
demonstrate God’s unconditional love for us. If your wife cheated on you with
several men, left you to continue prostitution, and forced you to raise three
kids on your own, would you still love her? I know I wouldn’t. I’d be happy to
know she was being sold off as a slave because she got what she deserved. But
Hosea searched for her, humiliating himself for the sake of his wife. He
emptied his pockets and bought her back, even though she was already his wife
to begin with. He paid the price to give her an identity that she already had:
his beloved.
You and I are that prostitute. We
run away from God and whore ourselves to worldly pleasures. He knows that we’re
train-wrecks and have nothing lovable about us. All he wants us to do is come
back home and be loved by him. He does not mind humiliating himself and paying
the price for you. The price was already paid after Jesus died on the cross. Daron,
come home and be loved by our Heavenly Father.
Unlike your mother and father, you
do not have to scream, shout, lie, cry, or cuss to make Jesus hear you. You
acted out because you had to protect yourself in the only way you knew. But you
do not have to protect yourself against God. In fact the more you protect
yourself or act out, the harder it is for you to allow Jesus into your heart.
He loves that disgusting heart of yours more than you can ever love yourself.
You do not have to be defensive to Jesus. He hears everything and listens to
every word that you say. He sees your whimpering, weak body and loves it so
much. He desires covering and gathering you together as a hen gathers her chicks
(Matthew 23:27).
During this recovery time, I urge
you to dive into your heart with Jesus. Yes it’s scary and overbearing, and I
know you hold a lot of guilt. Unlike your earthly mother and father, who add
onto that guilt, Jesus took your guilt and died on the cross for your freedom.
He doesn’t want you to live with that burden you built for yourself; he’ll die
so you will never be enslaved again. You do not need approval from others (mom,
dad, your old friends, myself) in order to be forgiven for the things you’ve
done. You only need Jesus to remove that burden away from you. Only Jesus’
forgiveness can set you free from your guilt. Can you do that? Can you give him
all your s*** for the sake of your freedom? Do you want to be free? The choice
is yours.
Jesus died to stop you from dying.
Around December, I was convinced that I will get a call within three months
from someone confirming your death. Your decisions, behavior, and your
ignorance of all of it were leading to an eventual death. So let’s be clear
about something. Jesus never died to allow you to keep dying. This implies that
you shouldn’t give him your crap, run from him, and then continue building
another s*** monument. If you did, then Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross will be a
complete waste. He died so you do not have to die.
Therefore, live as if you’re
alive. Go on life and sin no more. Have a relationship with the Father you
always had, but always ignored.
And by the way, I forgive you as
Jesus has forgiven me. But you must respect my boundaries. I will send you
letters whenever I can. It can be once a month, once a quarter, etc.
Sincerely,
ME
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