Free

This post may contain some personal information. It also contains a conversation that I had with an older sister. It wasn't a good conversation. I forgave her already and I do not intend to expose her. I love her dearly and wish for God to continue working in her life. 

I was reminded of my past as a freshman at UCLA. Not gonna lie, I was well in need of God's grace. My words and actions did not line up with God's will. I drank, partied, and valued my worth on the guys that I made out with.

...I cringed after typing that. 

I'm still cringing...okay Taylor, you're going to finish writing this post. BREATHE!

Okay. I'm good.

This one particular night, I walked down Bruinwalk in a slutty dress. In the middle of a conversation with my party friend, I looked to my right. A bunch of my friends from my Christian fellowship were walking the opposite direction. Some of them did a double-take as I passed them. I'm pretty sure someone said, "Taylor?". Either way, I freaked out, started walking faster, then pretended to not see them. 

After that incident, I got into the party bus and entered the worst night of my life. Shame, exposure, embarrassment, lust. I don't really want to get into too much detail. I'll leave it at that. 

I wanted nothing to do with that night and no reminders.

A couple months later, I saw an upperclassman who reached out to me in the beginning of the year. Such a sweet girl! I've had a few meet ups with her so I thought that it would be nice to catch up. I invited her for a meal swipe in the dining halls.

We met up in front of the dining hall, got our food, then sat across each other. She stares at me. Silence. In order to break the silence, I volunteered to pray for us. We began our meal together. After two minutes of small talk, she pierces me with her eyes. Her words weren't gentle either.

"Okay Taylor, there was this one night where I saw you walking to a party. In fact, we all saw you." 

"What?"

"Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. We saw you walk faster after we passed you."

All of the horrors of that night came rushing back to me. She continued making intense eye contact with me. All I can do was widen my eyes until they glazed and mutter incomplete phrases.

"I'm not going to tell you what to do with your life. I'm telling you this out of love. You should always see if your actions reflect Christ."

"Oh okay. Thanks."

We changed the subject and continued our conversation until our meal was over. I gave her a hug and walked up my dorm. Luckily, no one was there. I hid in my dorm room and cried. I was so ashamed.

We never ate together after that. Whenever I saw her, I ran away from her. She reminded me of that terrible night, when all I wanted to do was put it behind me. I allowed my past to define me because that's how she saw me. It must be how everyone else saw me: a slutty embarrassment. I disgusted myself. Even though my fellowship preached that we are of Christ, I didn't feel like it.

As I reflect on this now, I'm reminded of The Woman Caught in Adultery in John 8:3-11: 

3 The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery, and placing her in the midst 4 they said to him, “Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. 5 Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?” 6 This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. 7 And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” 8 And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground. 9 But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. 10 Jesus stood up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” 11 She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more.”

That adulterous woman deserves to be thrown under the bus and confronted for her actions. She deserves to be tortured to the point of death. She deserves the law; the law is just.

But Jesus didn't give her justice. Instead, he protected her, saved her, and warded off those who shamed her. Jesus loved her, which was not what she deserved. He had compassion for her and forgave her for her sins. He freed her from her past, and commanded her to "go, and from now on sin no more".

I, 22-year old Taylor, go back to Freshman Taylor crying in her room after that lunch date. Although she feels dirty and disgusting, I remind her that she is loved by Jesus. His love protects her from shame. His love wards off her punishment. His love frees her from her past. She is no longer identified as a slut, but a child of God. Jesus does not condemn her, he frees her.

She is free.